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Poisonous Pedagogy, PTSD & MPD

multiple personality


As You Desire Me:
the psychology of a multiple personality

by E.T. Aul

Those who have few, if any, memories of childhood may have been victims of psychological abuse. Claimed to be the most damaging of all abuses, psychological abuse is hard to pin down. What is it? It's not the same for every child or every situation. In addition, most children subjected to it come to accept the abuse as "normal" treatment. With no other experience to judge by, they do not know there are any other ways or what they could be. Even so, the abuse is so painful, so devastating, they cannot bear it, and they wipe it from memory so completely it is virtually impossible to recover. Having lost the memories of abuse, believing their upbringing to be normal, the after-effects (PTSD) persist throughout a lifetime but are extremely difficult to recognize and, therefore, almost impossible to change.

Not subjected to psychological abuse until three and a half years old, ET Aul was aware of the difference; she had prior experience to judge by. And, because her personality fragmented, the parts that remained children could access the information and tell about it. As a result, "As you desire me: the psychology of a multiple personality" gives remarkable insight into the hidden world of psychological abuse and consequent PTSD.

From the Prologue:

"Desire" was not a consequence but a driving force from soon after the beginning. In the beginning, I was told that nobody my age entered therapy. Overwhelmed by a driving compulsion to know what had happened to my life, I entered therapy anyway. I had to find the answers. And I was overcome by a terrible despair; I looked back on all the years of my life and declared them wasted. With most of my life irretrievably gone, nothing could make up for the loss. Nothing.

Gradually, over the next few months, I came to believe that perhaps, out of the waste and the ruin, I could salvage something of value; I could create something worthwhile. No psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist, even the most highly trained, can see inside another's mind. But, if I REALLY wanted the answers, I would have to look into mine. By documenting that process, I could contribute first-hand knowledge of the mind and of MPD. I could be my own research project. Desire was born then.

Over time, my efforts to find the answers have resulted, almost as a by-product of the process, in changes that have made me different and my remaining years promising. And, concurrent with the process and an integral part of it, Desire became a reality. Inseparable, the book is both a cause and a result of my progress. For me, it became the value I had hoped for. Now, it is my hope that readers will also find something worthwhile, something of value in it.

Publisher's Comment:

We recommend this book!

Unlike most other books of its genre that all seem to tell the same story, this one stands out by virtue of belonging more to the autobiographical genre than those merely documenting a disfunctionality. Its perspective is not from a therapeutic, psychological point of view, but the real life experience of one living, and trying to understand, her fragmented life.
         It's a powerful and moving story. Readers literally walk in her shoes. One said, "I identified with her from the first page!" And survivors, of all kinds of abuse, will find validation, support and comfort in it.


This is a very valuable book especially because of the perspective taken...(R.A.I.N.B.O.W. BRIDGES)

Review: (TOP rated for books on Dissociation)

Divided into 15 chapters, this is a very personal, detailed account of one woman's life living with multiple personality disorder. Certainly an interesting and insightful journey, this book lets others who also have this problem know they are not alone. Clinicians might enjoy the book from the "other side" perspective. 232 pages. Review at PsychCentral.

Author's Note:

Except for PsychCentral, the psychiatric community has so pointedly ignored this book, it appears they have blacklisted it. I had hoped that in the Open letter to Therapists the community would see how their practices and policies made my recovery so much harder than it needed to be - and change them. Instead, they killed the messenger.


ISBN 1-889206-25-3     978-1-889206-25-7
Soft cover book, 232 pages.    
1-889206-26-1   978-1-889206-26-4

Available for immediate delivery at $9.95 in the Kindle Edition from Amazon or as a Nook Book at B & N and available at Smashwords for the IPad and a variety of other formats. Or click here to ORDER the PDF or soft cover editions from us.

Free PDF Article: What is it like to be a Multiple Personality?

John Bradshaw on Heal Your Inner Child

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