I was six or seven when I realized something was wrong with me. As I walked along with three other girls, I listened to them talking about someone we all knew who had died. They talked about how badly they felt and how much they would miss her. I realized I didn't feel the way they did. Even though I had liked her, I didn't have any feelings about it at all. It seemed like I just didn't care. Hanging far back behind them, I thought about what it must mean. There was no explanation for it except that I was crazy
In my first go-round with therapy which lasted from the mid-sixties a little over ten years, the most effective help I received was from the hypno-therapist. I believe that was because I was in charge; I knew what I wanted and I got it. Had he not provided it, I would have found someone who would. That would have been the case with the other therapists also if I had known what needed to be done, what my problem was. But I did not know. The truth about my condition was denied me.
Diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder in December of 1988, I entered therapy and, in 1990, began to write about my life and what I knew of the people who had shaped it. As I continued through the process, searching for answers to what had gone wrong with my life, I was overcome by a terrible despair; I looked back on all the years of my life and declared them wasted. With most of my life irretrievably gone, nothing could make up for the loss. Nothing.
Gradually, over the next few months, I came to believe that perhaps, out of the waste and the ruin, I could salvage something of value; I could create something worthwhile. No psychiatrist, psychologist or therapist, even the most highly trained, can see inside another's mind. But, if I REALLY wanted the answers, I would have to look into mine. By documenting that process, I could contribute first-hand knowledge of the mind and of MPD. I could be my own research project "Desire" was born then" and published in 1996. It was as far as I could go at that time.
Finding Me", the last chapter that includes, updates and re-titles "As you desire me: the psychology of a multiple personality" has been published this year and, for all practical purposes, brings my life of multiplicity to an end. With two major groups of alters merging into the system, and one earth shaking event forcing our last remaining alter into the open, it is both a logical and satisfying conclusion.ISBN 1-889206-75-X
Those who have few, if any, memories of childhood may have been victims of psychological abuse. Claimed to be the most damaging of all abuses, psychological abuse is hard to pin down. What is it? It's not the same for every child or every situation. In addition, most children subjected to it come to accept the abuse as "normal" treatment. With no other experience to judge by, they do not know there are any other ways or what they could be. Even so, the abuse is so painful, so devastating, they cannot bear it, and they wipe it from memory so completely it is virtually impossible to recover. Having lost the memories of abuse, believing their upbringing to be normal, the after-effects persist throughout a lifetime but are extremely difficult to recognize and, therefore, almost impossible to change.ISBN 1-889206-25-3 978-1-889206-25-7
This is a very valuable book especially because of the perspective taken...(R.A.I.N.B.O.W. BRIDGES)Review: (TOP rated for books on Dissociation)
Divided into 15 chapters, this is a very personal, detailed account of one woman's life living with multiple personality disorder. Certainly an interesting and insightful journey, this book lets others who also have this problem know they are not alone. Clinicians might enjoy the book from the "other side" perspective. 232 pages. Review at PsychCentral.
We recommend this book!
Unlike most other books of its genre that all seem to tell the same story, this one stands out by virtue of belonging more to the autobiographical genre than those merely documenting a disfunctionality. Its perspective is not from a therapeutic, psychological point of view, but the real life experience of one living, and trying to understand, her fragmented life.
It's a powerful and moving story. Readers literally walk in her shoes. One said, "I identified with her from the first page!" And survivors, of all kinds of abuse, will find validation, support and comfort in it.
John Bradshaw on Heal Your Inner Child
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