What is it like to be a multiple personality?

What is it like to be a multiple personality,
to have identities dissociated from each other?

      "Personality" is defined by the Random House College Dictionary as "the sum total of the physical, mental, emotional and social characteristics of an individual."  "Identity" is defined as "the state or character of being the same one." Multiple Personality Disorder, now called Dissociative Identity Disorder, identifies a condition wherein a person's personality (or identity) has become fragmented, no longer integrated, the "same one." (To visualize this, think of each of the more or less independent states in the United States as a fragment of the whole.)

      It is not a mental illness. It is, instead, the results of a psychological mechanism initiated in childhood to survive trauma and/or abuse. Operating far below consciousness, the child is not aware of the changes that are occurring in its psyche. In most cases, these children will live long and productive lives without ever realizing their identities have been structured differently. For them, their lives seem to be normal. How could they not be, that being the only consciousness they can experience?

      For others, this difference will cause problems. I have heard it said the most successful people are those who move most easily between all the roles they play in their lives. They move from role to role, emotion to emotion seamlessly, by their own choice. For those with dissociated identities, with "split" personalities, it only feels seamless, but in actuality, it is not. Their "unconscious" locks them into one or more roles, and their changes from role to role are not conscious, not by their own choice, but dictated by their circumstances. For example, while most people can choose not to respond to an emotion, a person who has multiple personalities may not have that choice. Their response may be completely out of their control. While they may, or may not, be aware of a change in their personality, they are not aware they had no choice. Their response will seem to them to be completely natural and logical.

      But, in some way, they sense that they are different. Not knowing exactly what the difference is, they try to explain it to themselves. If others don't accept them, they may think it's because they don't know how to play the game. If they lack childhood memories, they may conclude that nothing worth remembering happened. If they are disappointed with their lives, they may think most people feel that way. If they try their best and still fail, if their hopes and dreams are always just out of reach, they will not understand why and believe they didn't try hard enough. If, in the course of their lives, their problems become severe enough for them to realize they need psychiatric help, they may run into a completely different set of problems.

Problems in diagnosis and treatment

      Opinions in the psychiatric community about the prevalence of Multiple Personality Disorder range from "very" rare to thousands upon thousands of undiagnosed cases. Some therapists still do not accept MPD as a valid disorder. Some believe it is simply "too" rare to have walked into their practice. It has been documented that, prior to being diagnosed with MPD, most are incorrectly diagnosed as depressed, epileptic or schizophrenic. With no idea they have a disorder or what it is, clients have little choice but to believe whatever diagnosis they are given.

      When they also have no memory of events or experiences that could have influenced their lives, then their problems may be treated as their imagination, no more than every-day problems experienced by everyone. Their therapy may bring them some superficial relief, but their disorder unrecognized and untreated, their lives will continue on as before, unchanged. And, when old age occurs, current thinking is that they have already cured themselves!

When the cause of MPD is psychological abuse....

      Those who have few, if any, memories of childhood may have been victims of psychological abuse. Claimed to be the most damaging of all abuses, psychological abuse is hard to pin down. What is it? It's not the same for every child or every situation. In addition, most children subjected to it come to accept the abuse as "normal" treatment. With no other experience to judge by, they do not know there are any other ways or what they could be. Even so, the abuse is so painful, so devastating, they cannot bear it, and they wipe it from memory so completely it is virtually impossible to recover. Having lost the memories of abuse, believing their upbringing to be normal, the after effects last a lifetime but are extremely difficult to recognize and, therefore, almost impossible to change.

Breaking through the impasse

      Not subjected to psychological abuse until three and a half years old, ET Aul was aware of the difference; she had prior experience to judge by. And, because her personality fragmented, the parts that remained children could access the information and tell about it. As a result, "As you desire me: the psychology of a multiple personality" gives remarkable insight into the hidden world of psychological abuse.

As you desire me: the psychology
of a multiple personality