INTROSPECTIVE

( mechanics  of  psychotherapy )
 
HELLO  ...
 
     it was another of kansas city's typically beautiful spring afternoons.  a gentle breeze made its way through the third floor shop.  i was in the middle of a monthly advertising run.  both presses were running and holding register.  i had the runs staggered which gave me little to do twenty minutes at a time.  everything was perfect.  i started crying.
 
     i realized three things immediately.  (a) there was something going on with me about which i knew nothing, (b) it hurt, and (c) i had to do something about it.  the option of ignoring this warning was out of the question, and never occured to me.  the handwriting was on the wall; i had entered a different emotional universe.  i had my skinny ass in therapy that week.
 
     this was a group setting.  the room a comfortably sombre chocolate.  two therapist, one of each.  the first thing said to me was, "You're a hostile son-of-a-bitch, aren't you?"  thinking about the question, i realized "i" was the least qualified to answer it.  i knew i had no idea what was going on, but did know i knew that much, so replied "i guess so."
 
 
HAND ME THE 9/16-ths ...
 
     over the next year and a half, group became an emotional sanctuary.  relationships formed, and not all friendly, yet it was a safe haven.  during that time, and the process it brought, came the discovery that many of us shared the same feelings of guilt, shame, remourse, and sorrow.  knowing "i" wasn't alone in that, my first liberation.  my tool collection had started.
 
     for me, therapy easily became an intellectual exercise.  while this would present its own limitations, it a valuable approach.  eric berne's "Games People Play" was particularly useful.  it laid out in finite detail, the methods, mechanics, and payoffs involved in manipulative behaviours.  but, more importantly, it demonstrated the logic involved which appealed to my mechanically bent, programmers mentality.
 
     i began to see patterms in what i was, and had been doing.  a skill in my ability to see "when" these 'habitual' petterms got played-out developed.  i would realize i did it last week, then see it done day before yesterday.  i then saw i'd just done it, and finally, recognized that i was 'about' to do it again.  i've done it knowingly, to see if knowing changed the results.  it didn't.  but now, i could exercise choice, rather than, being controlled by habit.
 
     this ability to see and modify these patterns a valuable asset.  but on the whole, it was merely damage control.  basically, i was putting a stop to 'thoughtless' reactions that were damaging to me.  while i could understand why i was doing what i was, my sensitivity to it had not been dealt with.  the analytical tools only go so far, and as luck would have it, it's half way.
 
 
HUMAN HANGNAIL ...
 
     that in description of a 'sensitive' person infuriated me.  in my case there was good reason for that, it was true.  my righteous indignation at those things i felt hurtful, could not tolerate this kind of mockery.  my pain was sacrosanct, and i guarded it with jealousy.  anything offering to diminish it, either mockery, or better mental health, met with immediate resistance.
 
     this resistance a function of the survival instinct.  this is usually only associated with the 'life', but the personality has its own 'life' that it works to protect.  this a primary reason it takes a while for therapy to work, in those cases where it does.  i suspect that behaviour itself imparts a chemical imprint within the brain, that tends to maintain the status quo.  this psychological and chemical association might explain why change is slow, and permanent.
 
     that change is what attracts most to therapy in the first place.  however, it usually seen in terms of being happier, or more complete as a person.  but no matter the complaint, a solution is change based.  the direction this change will take is not usually clearcut, but almost always profound in its effect.  quite often, this change is met with resistance from others accustomed to the comfort of history.
 
 
HINTS and KINKS ...
 
     getting to know what's being felt a real good idea.  often, there a vague idea, but really knowing is the only way to affect progress.  a method i've used with great success is making a point of my asking myself, "What are you feeling right now ?"  it is important to limit the answer to just two (2) words.  this forces an examination without explanation, excuse, or diluting dialog, and any feeling can be expressed in just a couple words.
 
     typically, when what is felt known, there a predisposition to justify it.  more often than not, this a guilt based habit, which has a comfortablly righteous warmth.  guilt is not generally seen as the "self-directed anger" it is.  it not uncommon, or inconvenient, to confuse "guilt" with "conscience".  the ability to feel "badly" about feeling a certain way, instead of "guilty", a healthy step.
 
     without doubt, the most useful observations come from the feelings surrounding problems.  the level of violence of these in direct proportion to their healing potential.  if a reaction out of control, without scruple, or out of proportion to the situation at hand, the basis of those reactions must be flawed.  from my experience and observation, it's generally an unrequited expectation, a control issue, or idea taken as fact when it is not.
 
     many see red flags with respect to zealotry, in particular religion, but totally ignore it when associated with 'socially' acceptable causes. the same knee-jerk, thought absent excursions into manipulation, a "common" element. almost without exception, the frenzy of the litany, a proportional indicator of the issue's abuse by its defender.
     as an example, a paranoid person may go to extreme lengths to protect themselves. this demands the creation of a threat where one does not exist, and where it does, disallows consideration of its real cause. seldom will these people see that as a response to things they've done to others. it is often passed off as something beyond their control, so they get to play the victim.
     with this kind of person, you can count on them doing to you, what they say they hate the most. while it may not seem so, if you look at the essential principles involved, it is. like they say, "You either walk the walk, or talk the talk." while screaming may get attention, those watching will probably see no movement. due, beware.
 
For the LOVE of  itself ...
 
     i am convinced psychological work, that does not include a spiritual component, in the long run, a waste of time. the goal of any successful therapy is individual freedom. that found in freeing the self of "misgotten" impressions that do not accurately portray the person, and dealing with those things requiring legitimate attention. the line between these two things more often than not, invisibly blurred.
 
     being introspective goes only so far toward revealing the totality of the landscape. while being able to analyze this and that helpful, it offers nothing but a formula for future efforts. understanding can not exist by rote. in a productive manner, the individual looks at everything in his universe. not just the bumps and bruises faced, but his cuplability in them. by looking within, and pulling back, more than explanation appears. a reasoned understanding without recrimination may develop, and with that, the ability to let go of coveted anger. that last part, easier said than done, yet mandatory if real healing is to flourish.
 
     the previous paragraph would seem to apply outside the self, and initially, it does. but real growth demands that the self allow itself the same latitude it would others. it is easy to forgive someone among the din of a crwod, but that is often the last thing offered in the silent moments spent alone. forgiving the self for real and imagined flaws, a tough cookie to swallow. but until it done, nothing of lasting substance remains. for example, it is not uncommon for people to lament being less than perfect. the humor in that goal, seldom appreciated. what is, are the benefits of not trying "because" perfection beyond grasp. if it can't be perfect, don't do it, and THEN resent not having gotten anything done. that shit feeds on itself.
 
     the quest for perfection, a not too distant cousin of "CONTROL". neither of these things, reality based. clearly, just being a human being eliminates the possibility of perfection, and control a self-deluding effort to avoid responsibility of the self, and to another. it denies elements like compromise, equity, and respect, in pursuit of an infantile emotional pacifier. this can not be a long term success, failure is part of its design. the need for control indicates an individual who (a) does not feel themselves worthy, and (b) resilient enough to handle the rigors of the occasional no.
 
     control, and scruple, mutually exclusive. the lengths which its devotees venture will only stop when the target of it, leaves. that however, is seldom the end of it. it's a time worn plot and cyclic in application. there are many who either get caught up in the 'understanding' or 'affection' of it, so the supply of targets , practically endless. the lunacy, and weakness in this mindset only ends when command is taken of the self. until then, controlling others a workable cheap (sic) substitute.  
     those who choose to remain in a "controlled" situation have their own interests met. it may be one in which 'affection' is seen as a license to tolerate it in the name of "love", or it may be a defensive need to contend with the assault. in any case, remaining when it is clear nothing will ever change, is as sick as the "controlling" behaviour. and, in fact, may require more attention. the only bright spot, is one in which a heathly change more likely. giving up, having to fight control, is gaining control. that, lost until it no longer important.
 
     as i metioned, i believe psychological growth a spiritual trek. i have serious reason to believe this earthly existance offers our spiritual identity an emotional facet. and that facet, necessary to growth. we as human beings are rather fragile emotionally, and coming to terms with that, can be a life long endeavour with no real appearant success, or a journey of discovery, and occasioned delight. when it's all said and done, each of us responsible for the way we've treated ourselves, and by implication, others.
 
     i've come to realize, that we all, no matter where we are, are doing the best we can. and to expect anything more , foolhardy. wanting it one thing, counting on it, another. seeing it, one of life's great joys ...  
© April 1996
by t.white ...
 update: July 17, 1998